Chaos?

After thinking a lot about this, I decided to write a bit about how is to live in my "chaos".

Having a "condition" that few people understand what is, unless they feel it in their own flesh, something that you can't really "see", that doesn't have a "medicine" or a "cure" is hard to live with.

I'm talking about people looking at you, and don't see nothing wrong, my body is healthy, and I can still say that I'm "sane". But if you don't feel it yourself at least once in a lifetime, you'll never really understand how is to be trapped inside yourself.

I can't go outside my house. Even to the front yard, without feeling like I'm dizzy and can't breath. There are days I can't even go near the window. My "conscious" brain knows there's nothing out there to fear, but I just can't go out and feel like it's "normal".

Simple everyday things like waking up and getting off my bed sometimes are so hard to do. I don't feel like it  "worth" to get up, I just want to sleep and never wake up again. It's an everyday battle, and sometimes I loose , sometimes I win. Most part of the time I loose it... LOL

I can't really say I feel sad, or feel happy. It's more like don't feeling anything. When I take my medicine like I'm supposed to *sometimes it ends and there's no time to buy more, or they don't find it to buy*, it's like living in a "straight line". I can't fix my attention at anything for a long time, can't stop doing like 2 or 3 things at the same time, but never "finishing" anything properly. I start to do something, then "jump" to do something else the next second and totally forget about what I was doing before, and sometimes, about what I thought on doing next.

See, random talking, without making sense of things. Now I don't remember what I was going to say... LOL.  I just end up doing what I feel like doing at THIS moment. Have to try focusing on what I'm doing NOW, but the "NOW" lasts no more than a second, and it's "PAST". So things come and go, and I don't realize it. Sounds weird? Nonsense? Yeah. That's how I live. Inside my "weirdness" and without any sense.

Right now, I'm watching videos on my always on top little screen, writing, going back and forth my Neopets game, and thinking about what to do with the mess around me and how to organize my bedroom. But all those things come and go and are changing every minute, depending on how my confuse brain focus at one or another.

I'm feeling cold, and thought about wearing a sweater like ten times and just forgot about it the next moment, and thought about going downstairs and eat something because I only had a slice of bread and a glass of milk since I woke up. But then I start doing something and will remember again randomly and then forget it randomly. It's like this all day, every single day.

My brain works on it's own way and will, and I can't really overcome it and do what "I want" or what "I need"  to do. I can learn things instantly, store it somewhere inside my brain, and just forget about it until the moment I need to "use" it. Or just suddenly remember it randomly and feel the need to do it.

I know a lot of things about the most different subjects, but I don't "REALLY" know anything that well, because I can't focus myself enough to learn it properly until the "end". Usually, I start learning about something and will "learn" it in an "obsessive" way, until I "learn" enough to do it. Then it will just be put somewhere inside my brain and I'll go to the next thing. As long as I don't feel "excited" about the subject, it is left behind, even if I don't really want to. Because my random mind will keep me away from that in a way or another.

Oh, my, just remembered that I need to put a hat on Kyuhyun! *at his pic*

Sorry, Jeh, I will do it in a moment, if I don't forget it again *remembered because started playing "A-CHA"*

But now my sister just arrived home and probably I'll have to go downstairs and help her to cook the dinner.

Ah, what I was going to say when I started now is a mystery... LOL




I'm going now... XDD
 

Needing patience... XP

Ah, there's like 2 or 3 days that I'm trying to clean up and fix some things at my HUGE photo collection. I always try to do this and give up because there's so many pics that it's almost impossible to organize everything.
This year I decided to do some organization in a different way: every time I download a batch of pics *I download them in batch, using a web spider software*, I will only download more AFTER basically organizing the previous one. This single step is preventing me from having a BIG MESS like I had before, and keep me organizing not only the new pics, but the older too.
After some months, I have everything almost in their own folders, like, all my SHINee pics in a SHINee folder, and now I'm almost conquering my great goal that is having all my Taemin pics into Taemin folders (1000 pics per folder). To tell the truth, I'm almost finishing to have all pics from all my favorite guys inside their own folders, and then, will come another challenge: organize it by some other kind of criteria. Having them into one person folder, split in batches of 1000 pics still isn't helping me to find pics when I need them. And, there's another little problem: the quality of the pictures. I'm really, REALLY thankful to all people who take and post all those pictures, but sometimes the quality isn't exactly what I need to work on. Then I'll go and fix some things using Photoshop, or for more quick and easy fixes, Picasa, while I'm organizing.

Today I was organizing some Infinite pics, and started fooling around fixing some pics. Here's an example:

Here we have the original one at left, and the modified one at right. That's a pretty good difference. But do it with everything is just insanity. I know that I'll end up fixing like a large percentage of the pics, just because seeing them in a way I don't like it really bother me... LOL.
I just used Picasa to fix it, and didn't take more than a minute or 2. But, making this with thousands of pics will take thousands of minutes... XP

Ah, I dream with the day I'll have everything organized the way I want, will all my pics looking the way I love... but I know it's completely impossible, as every time I download a new batch it's around 2000 new pics... T_T.

But little by little, at least, with a bit more of patience, I'll be able to do it with at least, my favorite pics and artists... XD

That's all for today, and I really need to go back and work a bit more... fighting!!

Needing an idea...

I think there's something easier to make than my wallpapers project... I mean, I really want to start posting more often, but the question is: what to post?

My life can be everything but interesting, and really, the most exciting thing that happens is when Momoji hides somewhere and I need to search all over the house to find her... LOL

Talking about her:

That's Momoji and her "babies". She loves plushies, REALLY. And she borrowed some of mine for herself... LOL. She will always sleep with one or two, here she have her raccoon and Pikachu, there's an orange hippo, a split Grundo, Mew, a baby koala, a blue Mamegoma and a brown teddie. Thing is that her sister Meh will always take them around the house, then sometimes you go to the kitchen and there's a Momoji's baby at the floor... LOL

I thought about posting Momoji's pictures, that's my favorite thing to do, as we say at home: "When you're bored and have nothing to do, what to do? Take Momoji's picture!". And seriously, me, my sister and my brother take this as a rule, so there's tons and tons of Momoji's pictures everywhere, all cameras, all mobile phones, all computers... XDD

Maybe I'll post one or two along the week, but just posting Momoji will be kind of... boring?? LOL

So I'll post a bit of my flash project, and other random things... let's try to post as many as I can.

This is all for today... hoping to come here tomorrow and write another useless post... XP

Totally frustrating T_T

After 4 days *or more, I don't remember anymore*, I'm completely frustrated. Why?
I'll tell you why: web-designers and other people that develop software, advisers and sites never-ever agree on how, what, and where to do things.
I know that it's all about taste and how you deal with things, and there's not really an "absolute true answer" to how you can code Actionsript, but why the hell all them just don't make sense? I mean, I tried, tried, re-tried, changing everything, and when I say everything is ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING. To the point that I re-started to make it from scratch, opening a new file.
Tried to follow book-guides, video-guides, forum-guides, blog-guides, and all kinds of guides I could find and NONE of them worked. ALL gave me warnings and incompatible lines that didn't let my buttons to work properly.

My Flash compiler will always return some kind of error, even when I just copy+paste a code that is at a digital book and try to run it. I tried to type it myself, watching videos and revising over and over again all the lines, and just didn't work.

OK, I'm a fail person, but really, trying so many times and never getting ONLY 2 BUTTONS to work properly is really, really, really frustrating.

I can make the button work and play what I want, then the second button does what it should do that is going back to the main screen, but after that ANYTHING works. It was supposed to go back to the first step of the process and allow to just click the first button again to make all the process like a loop, but just don't work.

Now I made a decision to just throw out all the things I collected trying to understand the f****** coding, and try to do it like I always do: by myself trying to figure out how the software works.

I should have learned over all my lifetime that no matter how good a book, class or teacher is, I'll always learn better trying it by myself. Yes, it takes a lot more time, but works better at the end.

Even taking a look here and there, and trying to follow some tutorials, my Photoshop skills were all conquered alone. And now, when I try to make something watching or reading a tutorial, usually I'll just think that there's a different *and sometimes easier* way to do some of the steps.

Actionscript is a completely different environment, and have a lot more hidden things to undercover, but now that I'm frustrated enough with everything I saw around, I'll just HAVE to learn it myself OR I'll never rest in peace if I die.

WHY?

Just because I KNOW I CAN DO IT. I only need to figure out how to find what I need inside the codes, and they are all there. I mean, it's not like something you need to search outside the software, like PS filters, brushes, fonts, whatever. All the codes to make things work are there, I just need to find them. And finding them means understand how the logic behind it works.

Oh, my, I know that I'm not the most logic-like person, and that probably I'll never have all the basic codes memorized, but learn how things works doesn't mean that I NEED to have all the codes inside my brain. And let's be real, why the hell I need to have them inside my brain when they are all at the software and all I need to do is navigate to the place they are stored, click it and it will just be placed at the screen?

Ah, I'm feeling better after putting all that rage out of me... LOL.

Talking seriously now: I don't figured out why people keep telling "memorize the codes", when no matter if it's just the most ridiculous thing, like making a button to be clicked and load the next frame, there will be tons and tons and tons of different ways to do it because each one has a different way of doing it and thinks that it's the better.

So, if all of them can have their own way of doing it and think it's the better way of doing, I can find my better way of doing it too... LOL. Maybe that's why there's so many ways of doing it?

Just to say something

I search for my place in the world, even knowing that in this, where I live now, it's just doesn't exist.
I try to do my best, even knowing that my best is not enough.
If I could pass trhough this life making the difference to other people's lives, maybe my own existence in this world would be a valid experience for someone, even it's not for me personally.
Maybe one day I can be back to the sky, to shine again alone, hearing to the wishes of the dreamers and lovers, making them have hope in a better day.
For now, I just can be here, without wings, smiling while my heart is broken, standing still while my life is into pieces, trying to make people belive I can be strong enough.