Chaos?

After thinking a lot about this, I decided to write a bit about how is to live in my "chaos".

Having a "condition" that few people understand what is, unless they feel it in their own flesh, something that you can't really "see", that doesn't have a "medicine" or a "cure" is hard to live with.

I'm talking about people looking at you, and don't see nothing wrong, my body is healthy, and I can still say that I'm "sane". But if you don't feel it yourself at least once in a lifetime, you'll never really understand how is to be trapped inside yourself.

I can't go outside my house. Even to the front yard, without feeling like I'm dizzy and can't breath. There are days I can't even go near the window. My "conscious" brain knows there's nothing out there to fear, but I just can't go out and feel like it's "normal".

Simple everyday things like waking up and getting off my bed sometimes are so hard to do. I don't feel like it  "worth" to get up, I just want to sleep and never wake up again. It's an everyday battle, and sometimes I loose , sometimes I win. Most part of the time I loose it... LOL

I can't really say I feel sad, or feel happy. It's more like don't feeling anything. When I take my medicine like I'm supposed to *sometimes it ends and there's no time to buy more, or they don't find it to buy*, it's like living in a "straight line". I can't fix my attention at anything for a long time, can't stop doing like 2 or 3 things at the same time, but never "finishing" anything properly. I start to do something, then "jump" to do something else the next second and totally forget about what I was doing before, and sometimes, about what I thought on doing next.

See, random talking, without making sense of things. Now I don't remember what I was going to say... LOL.  I just end up doing what I feel like doing at THIS moment. Have to try focusing on what I'm doing NOW, but the "NOW" lasts no more than a second, and it's "PAST". So things come and go, and I don't realize it. Sounds weird? Nonsense? Yeah. That's how I live. Inside my "weirdness" and without any sense.

Right now, I'm watching videos on my always on top little screen, writing, going back and forth my Neopets game, and thinking about what to do with the mess around me and how to organize my bedroom. But all those things come and go and are changing every minute, depending on how my confuse brain focus at one or another.

I'm feeling cold, and thought about wearing a sweater like ten times and just forgot about it the next moment, and thought about going downstairs and eat something because I only had a slice of bread and a glass of milk since I woke up. But then I start doing something and will remember again randomly and then forget it randomly. It's like this all day, every single day.

My brain works on it's own way and will, and I can't really overcome it and do what "I want" or what "I need"  to do. I can learn things instantly, store it somewhere inside my brain, and just forget about it until the moment I need to "use" it. Or just suddenly remember it randomly and feel the need to do it.

I know a lot of things about the most different subjects, but I don't "REALLY" know anything that well, because I can't focus myself enough to learn it properly until the "end". Usually, I start learning about something and will "learn" it in an "obsessive" way, until I "learn" enough to do it. Then it will just be put somewhere inside my brain and I'll go to the next thing. As long as I don't feel "excited" about the subject, it is left behind, even if I don't really want to. Because my random mind will keep me away from that in a way or another.

Oh, my, just remembered that I need to put a hat on Kyuhyun! *at his pic*

Sorry, Jeh, I will do it in a moment, if I don't forget it again *remembered because started playing "A-CHA"*

But now my sister just arrived home and probably I'll have to go downstairs and help her to cook the dinner.

Ah, what I was going to say when I started now is a mystery... LOL




I'm going now... XDD
 

Needing patience... XP

Ah, there's like 2 or 3 days that I'm trying to clean up and fix some things at my HUGE photo collection. I always try to do this and give up because there's so many pics that it's almost impossible to organize everything.
This year I decided to do some organization in a different way: every time I download a batch of pics *I download them in batch, using a web spider software*, I will only download more AFTER basically organizing the previous one. This single step is preventing me from having a BIG MESS like I had before, and keep me organizing not only the new pics, but the older too.
After some months, I have everything almost in their own folders, like, all my SHINee pics in a SHINee folder, and now I'm almost conquering my great goal that is having all my Taemin pics into Taemin folders (1000 pics per folder). To tell the truth, I'm almost finishing to have all pics from all my favorite guys inside their own folders, and then, will come another challenge: organize it by some other kind of criteria. Having them into one person folder, split in batches of 1000 pics still isn't helping me to find pics when I need them. And, there's another little problem: the quality of the pictures. I'm really, REALLY thankful to all people who take and post all those pictures, but sometimes the quality isn't exactly what I need to work on. Then I'll go and fix some things using Photoshop, or for more quick and easy fixes, Picasa, while I'm organizing.

Today I was organizing some Infinite pics, and started fooling around fixing some pics. Here's an example:

Here we have the original one at left, and the modified one at right. That's a pretty good difference. But do it with everything is just insanity. I know that I'll end up fixing like a large percentage of the pics, just because seeing them in a way I don't like it really bother me... LOL.
I just used Picasa to fix it, and didn't take more than a minute or 2. But, making this with thousands of pics will take thousands of minutes... XP

Ah, I dream with the day I'll have everything organized the way I want, will all my pics looking the way I love... but I know it's completely impossible, as every time I download a new batch it's around 2000 new pics... T_T.

But little by little, at least, with a bit more of patience, I'll be able to do it with at least, my favorite pics and artists... XD

That's all for today, and I really need to go back and work a bit more... fighting!!

Needing an idea...

I think there's something easier to make than my wallpapers project... I mean, I really want to start posting more often, but the question is: what to post?

My life can be everything but interesting, and really, the most exciting thing that happens is when Momoji hides somewhere and I need to search all over the house to find her... LOL

Talking about her:

That's Momoji and her "babies". She loves plushies, REALLY. And she borrowed some of mine for herself... LOL. She will always sleep with one or two, here she have her raccoon and Pikachu, there's an orange hippo, a split Grundo, Mew, a baby koala, a blue Mamegoma and a brown teddie. Thing is that her sister Meh will always take them around the house, then sometimes you go to the kitchen and there's a Momoji's baby at the floor... LOL

I thought about posting Momoji's pictures, that's my favorite thing to do, as we say at home: "When you're bored and have nothing to do, what to do? Take Momoji's picture!". And seriously, me, my sister and my brother take this as a rule, so there's tons and tons of Momoji's pictures everywhere, all cameras, all mobile phones, all computers... XDD

Maybe I'll post one or two along the week, but just posting Momoji will be kind of... boring?? LOL

So I'll post a bit of my flash project, and other random things... let's try to post as many as I can.

This is all for today... hoping to come here tomorrow and write another useless post... XP

Knowing me

There's some things you have to REALLY KNOW about me.
First: I'm BIPOLAR.
Second: Some people define me as arrogant, egoist, sarcastic, bitter, the one that knows something about everything, does always have the reason on any discussion, and like to have everything done my way...
Third: I'm a NERD. Really. I played RPG and cardgames, watched the Star Wars Series, the Star Trek series, the Matrix series, the Lord of The Rings series, X-Files, CSI Las Vegas, Mythbusters. Have a true heart for investigative series in general, was a bookworm as young *something like 3 books a week, seriously*. And the thing I love the most to watch *besides boybands music videos, of course* is every single historic documentary I can download. Alien-related, phisics, or astronomic/astrologic is good too.
Fourth: I don't like to watch movies that much. REALLY HATE the comedy ones. Don't like dramas that much. Can watch thriller or horror, but it's kind of indifferent. I like the historical/bibliografal ones of course. Have a thing for old movies. Serious talk. Just love that old black and white old movies. Marylin is Goddess. One of my favorite movies is, of course, Gone With The Wind. Actually, to entertain myself for more than 5min. watching a movie I can say it have to be an action/fiction one. Explosions, bullets, cars running. Or someone that catch my attention... otherwise, I ignore the movie and sleep.
Fifth: I define myself as a truly passional person, no matter how people can say I'm a racional one. Yes, I can analise the facts, yes, I can see the things very clear when it's about other person's life. But when it's my own, I'm completely chaos. *remember, I'm a BIPOLAR*
Sixth: If you really look like a MALE, don't use gloss, eyeliner, don't have some kind of stylish hair, uses earrings, pierces, bangles, rings, weird clothes, gloves, hats, sunglasses, glasses...
Well... PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME 'CUZ I'LL NOT ADD YOU AT ALL. PERIOD.