Chaos?

After thinking a lot about this, I decided to write a bit about how is to live in my "chaos".

Having a "condition" that few people understand what is, unless they feel it in their own flesh, something that you can't really "see", that doesn't have a "medicine" or a "cure" is hard to live with.

I'm talking about people looking at you, and don't see nothing wrong, my body is healthy, and I can still say that I'm "sane". But if you don't feel it yourself at least once in a lifetime, you'll never really understand how is to be trapped inside yourself.

I can't go outside my house. Even to the front yard, without feeling like I'm dizzy and can't breath. There are days I can't even go near the window. My "conscious" brain knows there's nothing out there to fear, but I just can't go out and feel like it's "normal".

Simple everyday things like waking up and getting off my bed sometimes are so hard to do. I don't feel like it  "worth" to get up, I just want to sleep and never wake up again. It's an everyday battle, and sometimes I loose , sometimes I win. Most part of the time I loose it... LOL

I can't really say I feel sad, or feel happy. It's more like don't feeling anything. When I take my medicine like I'm supposed to *sometimes it ends and there's no time to buy more, or they don't find it to buy*, it's like living in a "straight line". I can't fix my attention at anything for a long time, can't stop doing like 2 or 3 things at the same time, but never "finishing" anything properly. I start to do something, then "jump" to do something else the next second and totally forget about what I was doing before, and sometimes, about what I thought on doing next.

See, random talking, without making sense of things. Now I don't remember what I was going to say... LOL.  I just end up doing what I feel like doing at THIS moment. Have to try focusing on what I'm doing NOW, but the "NOW" lasts no more than a second, and it's "PAST". So things come and go, and I don't realize it. Sounds weird? Nonsense? Yeah. That's how I live. Inside my "weirdness" and without any sense.

Right now, I'm watching videos on my always on top little screen, writing, going back and forth my Neopets game, and thinking about what to do with the mess around me and how to organize my bedroom. But all those things come and go and are changing every minute, depending on how my confuse brain focus at one or another.

I'm feeling cold, and thought about wearing a sweater like ten times and just forgot about it the next moment, and thought about going downstairs and eat something because I only had a slice of bread and a glass of milk since I woke up. But then I start doing something and will remember again randomly and then forget it randomly. It's like this all day, every single day.

My brain works on it's own way and will, and I can't really overcome it and do what "I want" or what "I need"  to do. I can learn things instantly, store it somewhere inside my brain, and just forget about it until the moment I need to "use" it. Or just suddenly remember it randomly and feel the need to do it.

I know a lot of things about the most different subjects, but I don't "REALLY" know anything that well, because I can't focus myself enough to learn it properly until the "end". Usually, I start learning about something and will "learn" it in an "obsessive" way, until I "learn" enough to do it. Then it will just be put somewhere inside my brain and I'll go to the next thing. As long as I don't feel "excited" about the subject, it is left behind, even if I don't really want to. Because my random mind will keep me away from that in a way or another.

Oh, my, just remembered that I need to put a hat on Kyuhyun! *at his pic*

Sorry, Jeh, I will do it in a moment, if I don't forget it again *remembered because started playing "A-CHA"*

But now my sister just arrived home and probably I'll have to go downstairs and help her to cook the dinner.

Ah, what I was going to say when I started now is a mystery... LOL




I'm going now... XDD